I watched a movie this morning……Eat Pray Love with Julia Roberts.

It really hit home with me – as to parallels in my life, in its own way.

Here’s the storyline from IMDB.com

Liz Gilbert (Roberts) had everything a modern woman is supposed to dream of having – a husband, a house, a successful career – yet like so many others, she found herself lost, confused, and searching for what she really wanted in life. Newly divorced and at a crossroads, Gilbert steps out of her comfort zone, risking everything to change her life, embarking on a journey around the world that becomes a quest for self-discovery. In her travels, she discovers the true pleasure of nourishment by eating in Italy; the power of prayer in India, and, finally and unexpectedly, the inner peace and balance of true love in Bali

I will be newly divorced soon – and as far as a career – well – success is a definition yet to be fully defined in my life.

This movie hit home on an industry level for me too – as the title of this particular post should imply. As an industry in Montana – I truly feel we have been ruined. I have been suffering serious grief as of late at the loss of so much. The idea of losing the strains, the labs, the science. The idea of losing relief for SO MANY patients……and they blame it all on one – or a select few – yet punish ALL, rather than fix the problem. It just sickens me.

In my personal life – I am leaving a man I adore and love very much ~ for he has a mistress – and her name is Rainier. It has been a very difficult decision to make – as I knew when I met Bruce he liked his beer – but back in that day – I guess I still believed I could win over the beer.

15 years later – it is quite apparent I lost that battle. My highly intelligent, hard working man cannot give up his 12-18 ladies per night – and enters the complete stupid zone by 8pm every night. He busts his ass – and he works hard – but emotionally – he checks out.

I can’t play that game anymore…….my soul screams for it’s mate.

It’s not even a sex thing – that was great – and is what held us together all those years I believe. Sex only goes so far though – and if your mate cannot be present for you – appreciate you – hell just be THERE for you on a daily basis to face life’s challenges together……as a TEAM – well – then sex really doesn’t mean much anymore……

I listen to this every day – even though I’m the “leaver”…….I still have to get Stronger every day. I will always love Bruce:

The connection is gone though……has been for many years. Drowned in an ocean of beer. I hope this brings to light for folks my aversion to alcohol……

I need to connect on so many different levels in my life right now…..which is probably why this movie hit so close to home for me. Ruin IS the road to transformation – and I am learning that very difficult lesson in life right now – privately and publicly. In my home life – and with my magazine.

I’m wrapping my head around the utter destruction of an industry I LOVE. I saw so much good here – before the legislative session. I had so much HOPE. I REALLY had faith Montana would be able to make a difference. My GREAT STATE I grew up in – grew to love values of liberty and freedom and truly UNDERSTAND those values……

Now – I didn’t have blinders on. I KNOW we have “bad guys” out there dammit. Folks who have known me for any period of time know I have my “list” – and I have refused and not pursued certain folks inner-industry exactly for that reason. I had a feeling, or had observed behavior, that I was not comfortable with, and there was and still is no amount of money that will ever allow them to publish an ad in ANY of my publications. I could be bleeding on the side of the road gasping for air – and I would still VOID the check with a fat Sharpie before I would ever take blood money.

Yes….it’s THAT important to me, and I have stood by that premise from day 1.

So….where do I go from here? Good question. Montana Connect is flopping like a trout out of water in the Blackfoot River in November – and de-watering faster as every day goes by. This big ol Brown trout looks to the pools – and hopes for water – and re-birth. Another chance.

I knew a boy once who saved trout from de-watering in the Blackfoot – that kid caught and showed me some of the HUGEST brown trout I have ever laid eyes on. Well – in his 12th year growing up on this river – that young boy found the trout dying – and he called out. He called out to our community, and we all came runnin…..and we saved them all.

We lost Jack to a terrible accident at the young age of 20 just over 4 years ago – he grew up with my eldest daughter – and I will ALWAYS remember Jack Horner – and his love for the Blackfoot River, his Family, and his Community.

I wish we had more Jacks in this world…….he was an amazing young man with a HUGE heart – and I am so blessed to have the Trout memory – and every other memory.

Colorado looks to be my Jack Horner folks…….my savior – who will put me back in the deep water – and help me keep Montana Connect alive.

Alive to rebuild – and be reborn…….to protect and serve the patients and caregivers of Montana.

Also – a new chance for me – and my life. My families lives…….I raised my children to be LEADERS – can’t stop now can I?

WHAT would they think if their Momma just up and quit?

I’m not going to find out…….because I ain’t no quitter!

Going to join me? I’m MARCHING forward…….

Let’s Ride! Time to END the War on Cannabis.

This song is for ALL of you – please take the time to watch the video. The videos of activists shown throughout…..well…..we CAN change the world folks.

I intend to……..

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  1. […] Further you can see this related post: https://montanaconnect.wordpress.com/2011/05/30/phoenix_rising/ Also you can read this related blog page: […]

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